After the excitement of my first holiday abroad, I decided I needed a change again, the job at National Express was good and the wages were too but I wanted something different, more money, better free time but a job I felt secure in, at the time I thought this would be my last job not knowing 4 years time what would happen but more about that later. I left National Express and joined London Underground (now TfL) as a CSA at Hammersmith District & Piccadilly Line, again the training was good and intense with exams and tests along the way, it also included a live track walk which was nervy when you see how high those Tube trains really are. I now lived in Hayes, West London having left Feltham after leaving the security job. Where I lived the transport system was a lot better and easier for me to get to work, Hammersmith was 15 miles away so buses to Heathrow to get the Underground were frequent and 24 hours service. Some days were long days but we did have staff taxis to pick us up on early starts and to drop us off after very late finishes (shifts varied from 430 in the morning to late finishes of 2am). Moving to the Underground was a massive pay rise for me, I could afford things still living in shared houses but I found a landlord I could trust (there were some dodgy ones too) and live comfortable without counting the pennies every day, although sometimes things did get tight, that’s probably how the spiral of debt built up for several years, it was so easy to get in to, payday loans, bank loans etc, I got caught in a web I found difficult to get out of.
The last place I lived in Hayes was Coldwater Lane and although it was okay it was opposite a pub and after finishing work rather than stay in my rented room, pub it was, I got to know people and became part of the pub family (good or bad I didn’t know). I had calmed down a lot for the first time in a long time my job meant a lot to me and I wasn’t going to mess it u, the Drug & Alcohol Policy was a big thing on LU so you had to be careful what you did. Social side at Hammersmith was massive just like it was at NX, we had some great nights out and some pretty drunken ones as well. My shifts gave me long weekends every 4 weeks too and this was what I needed to bring my kids down to London for the first time, it had been over 2 years since I had seen them.
Because of their ages I had to travel up to Barnsley to collect them, it was a big adventure for them, so away I went National Express up north then travel back same day. When we arrived at Victoria Coach Station we walked out onto Buckingham Palace Road towards the Underground Station for the trip back to Hayes, my daughters first words were ‘Is this London dad?’, I said ‘Well part of it, it is a big place’, she replied ‘Nowt special is it’, I laughed at this comment, the next few days they changed their minds about London. Also this was the first time in a long time I never thought about the pub I have something to focus on and make sure they enjoyed the time with me. I had booked a London Bus Sightseeing tour which went round all the touristy bits, Buckingham Palace was their favourite because that was where the Queen lived. After the tour we went to my local pub in Hayes Town for some food and drinks, I was a good boy today only a few drinks, my son went for chicken nuggets and chips, I asked if he wanted beans with them, he said ‘no I don’t like them’, ‘Have you tried them before?’, ‘No just don’t like them’ I gave up. It was a memorable weekend for me and my kids, first time in 2 years we had seen each other so making memories was key for me. I was on a more secure financial footing even if I was in loads of debt it felt good to sort of not worry about anything.
The next few years passed quickly til about September 2004, I was still in touch with my Benidorm mate and others but I had a different mentality to drinking, yes I still liked a few beers but because of my job I didn’t want to mess it up so the shift work helped I suppose, stop drinking at most 12 hours before my next day shift or just stop in and chill. It was my rest days and long weekends where although not to the extreme I would meet up with my mate in Hounslow and we would put the world to rights over a few beers, but it was one year think it may have been a World Cup year or European Championship year, anyway the one where Beckham scored that free kick goal , the pub went mental I was jumped on and ended up on the floor and all I can remember about it is, it was a Gazza type celebration similar to that goal he scored against Scotland.
Late 2004 things would be pretty heavy for nearly 12 months from a family perspective, it also led me to drinking quite a lot to numb the pain. My stepmom rang me and gave me news I didn’t want to hear, my brother had a terminal brain tumour and was on borrowed time, now I hadn’t spoke to my brother for about 8 years (family things), I had a dilemma do I make peace and spend the last days or months making up or do I forget it and get on with destroying my life. I didn’t even know where he lived all I knew it was down South somewhere, Potters Bar I found out which was about an hour or so from where I lived and accessible by bus and tube, so the day came and I decided it was time to make my peace because if I didn’t I probably regret it if or rather when something happened. I walked into the ward room he was in, his wife was there (I had never met her but knew of her from what my dad had told me), I took an instant dislike to her there was something about her attitude and manner, the dislike still runs to this day and I haven’t seen or spoke to her since 2005.
‘Who’s this?’, ‘You okay bro’ I replied, he looked up and reached his hand out, we hugged and it felt like the past was just that. We taked and talked for what seemed like ages, I visited him as much as possible over the next 6 months he deteriated so quick in the last few months when the tumour finally took hold (fck you cancer). I was struggling to handle the outcome we had been told a few weeks before he gained his wings, my drinking was bad but under control, I had other issues to deal with obviously, I sort of became a bit of a loner at times just wanted to be in my own space. Middle of June 2005 we had the news we didn’t want to hear my brother was going to die and there was nothing they could do apart from make him comfortable. I went to see my boss at Hammersmith to explain what was happening. I was told to take as much time off as I wanted to be with my brother in his last days. I spent literally two weeks solid at Barnet Hospital, I was going nowhere this was the last time I was seeing my bro, he was 37 and too young to die but it was happening. I went through every emotion possible, my dad wouldn’t believe me that he was dying and didn’t have long left I lost my temper with him (the man who I had ultimate respect for when I was a kid), it was the only way I could get through to him. June 23rd he came down to see him (not knowing this would be the day), I waited outside the car park entrance for him, while I was waiting I just started singing to myself the Jackie Wilson song ‘You Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher’, don’t know why even now. 1.30pm and my dad arrived, we rushed up to the ward I think he finally realised what was happening. On arrival at his room I asked everybody to leave so my dad could have some time with him, I was big into Spiritualism at the time too and felt this was the right thing to do. About 20 minutes after my dad had arrived I decided that it was time to go back in the room I had strange feelings that something was about to happen, we all went into the room, my dad on one side of the bed, me on the other side, about 2pm I noticed my brother had stopped breathing I looked up just shook my head, my bro had passed away, my dad was hysterical, the nurses came in and did what they had to do then basically confirmed everything. I was in shock, my younger brother gone way too young, the next few days were a blur. It was like a nightmare, I had lost my mom in 1983 she was 39, now my brother who was 37, how many magpies had I shot to deserve all this. London Underground were a great support to me, I had never experienced anything like this in my working life, we had a great team at Hammersmith who were also supportive to me. Sadly again, I went into a spiral again, drinking loads to numb the pain. All the funeral stuff was totally out of mine and my families hands, we had no say whatsoever in the detail of his final journey (some of the stunts she pulled in the days after his passing were shocking, she couldn’t even be bothered to be at the hospital when he died but was happy to take everything over after), even on the funeral day she was still pulling stunts ( I never got to the funeral either, more about that in the next blog (darkest day in British history).
Once again thank you to anybody that as read my blogs so far, like I said at the start it’s a no holds barred breakdown of my life, struggles with drinking and mental health issues, all or most of this as been locked away in a little black box in my head for years never to see the light of day til now, it’s helping me and hope it also resonates in different ways for others to
Life without Alcohol - My Journey from the Beginning 